Friday, April 15, 2011

Performance Anxiety

There's this huge magic pill I've been trying to swallow for the past few months now.  "Magic" makes it sound silly.  It's not, it's really true.  What I'm trying to swallow is that it's NOT about what I do that makes me loved by God.  Actually, what I've really worried about is being a "good Christian".  I don't even know what in the world that means anymore.  It's not about a rules, or a religion.  It's way bigger than any of the things that we have made up.  God's love is big, wide, mysterious, complex, beautiful, holy, unique, simple, and profound.  All of the above.  I get these thoughts in my head that accuse me.  It's like arrows that shoot me down.  "Do I believe enough?" "Do I REALLY know God?"  "Am I a fake"

Do I .......ENOUGH. Am I.......ENOUGH.

Words that center around "me."

It's nothing to do with me.

One of my favorite songs is "Misery Loves Company", by the Wedding

I’ve done so much wrong; it outweighs the good.
I’ve found the hardest things to do are the ones I should.
But you gave me all the grace; I needed to get out.
And I will not forget it Lord, I will walk it out.
The Demon on my shoulder says; you will pay for this.
Did you think you could escape all the consequences?
But it is not in me; it’s in Your grace that I’m set free.
I feel sick; it’s something I can’t shake.
And night after night it’s keeping me awake.
Am I sorry that I hurt You, or that judgment finally came?
I will not pass it off on You, cause I’m the one to blame.
I know there’s someway you can turn this around.
Don’t give up on me yet; I’m not yet in the ground.
You've given me one more chance, a million times before.
But I still hear another one, knocking at my door

It's a great reminder that God's grace is bigger than it all.  Jesus was enough, and He's still enough.  My sin, my shame, the law, it was all nailed to the cross and done away with.  A new world is emerging, and it's heaven on earth.

No more performance anxiety.

God, may I live in this truth every day, and just RELAX.